Those confronted with infidelity often experience a profound fear. This fear can take on many faces. Awareness of those fears go a long way in healing and perhaps saving the marriage. And, believe it, facing those personal ghosts is usually THE best, most powerful, subtle, yet to-the-point strategy to stop the affair dead in its tracks.
Guaranteed? No, much depends on the kind of affair facing you and a few other factors. But, believe me, it's your best shot. And here's the kicker. YOU become the victorious WINNER, regardless of the path the two of them follow.
You CANNOT lose when you grab yourself by the shoulders, look into your eyes and declare to yourself and the world: "We're gonna face this! Look out! Here we come! I will NEVER be the same!" So, what do you face? What fear do you face? Here's one: the fear of the unknown. Infidelity destroys and eradicates the pictures in your mind of a wonderful life and beautiful family. Running incessantly through your mind is the possible eventuality of being alone. And you are not absolutely sure what that will look like.
Your future, perhaps alone, is unknown and it scares the bejeebies out of you. I can't state this more powerfully. But, listen to one of my subscribers.
Please. What she says may change the flow of your life, the affair and your marriage. Read her story of how she transformed her fears: I've wondered why I couldn't handle the thought of my husband leaving me for "the other woman".
After all, why was I still in love with him after such a betrayal? I only knew that I couldn't stand the thought of throwing away 22 years of marriage over something that started in a bar with one too many drinks in both of them. Here's what I know to be true of me. I don't like change. I'm loyal to a fault and will fight to the bitter end if it's something or someone I believe in. I guess I believed in my husband. It took a year and eight months for him to come around, even though he ended it with the other woman after two and a half months.
My fear of losing him made me bend over backwards to make him happy. My fears kept me from making him move out. I blamed myself for not being "enough" for him. I finally woke up one day after him telling me for the hundredth time that he didn't think he loved me and I left with our youngest child and the family dog. Finally the fear of the unknown was less scary to me than living the rest of my life with someone who said he didn't love me. I could no longer bear it and the stress of that roller coaster (it would be good for two months and then he'd say he didn't love me again) was going to kill me! I found out it's what I should have done from the start.
I was too afraid if I kicked him out, it would drive him right into her arms.(They also worked out of town together and stayed at the same Motel which I felt made it very easy to keep it going) In the end, leaving took away the confusion for him and he realized he didn't want to lose me or our family as a solid unit. Before I always sensed he had one foot out the door, but now I can tell he's one hundred percent recommitted to me and our family. He still works with the other woman, but I no longer fear that.
I know it's me he truly loves. So in closing, my fear of the unknown and my insecurity almost lost me my marriage. When I developed a backbone, my husband realized he could no longer take me for granted and he finally came to see that he also had to bend over backwards for me! Our marriage has been transformed and we have both learned that in order to have a great relationship, you have to put your partner first, even ahead of your children. One thing I would suggest to couples dealing with infidelity is to read as many books on the subject as you can as well as books about how to have a better relationship, even if they don't discuss infidelity.
Opening your eyes and heart through what you read is a great help and transforms your inner and external world.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, CSW, LMFT, The Infidelity Coach, is an author, and Marriage and Family Therapist. For the past two decades he has served hundreds of couples, specifically in the area of marital infidelity. He is author of "Break Free From The Affair." Infidelity and relationship tips and other services are available on his web sites.